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Stache or Trash?

This past Saturday was homecoming at South Dakota State.  For the males among us, one of the “Hobo Day” traditions is to grow a beard.

But some of the boys on the Jackrabbit football team changed the rules a little bit and did this:

Let the judgement begin. 

Put aside the questionable clothing and the spectacular flow and concentrate just on the attempt to pull off one of the most difficult facial hair constructions known to man.

The mustache is credible on cops for some reason, but it sends out a creepy vibe when worn by 99% of the rest of us.

No one can imagine Tom Selleck without one.  Same with Hulk Hogan.

Freddie Mercury’s was fantastic.  The late, Burt Reynolds is a World Stache Hall of Famer.

Daniel Craig (the most recent James Bond) looks like a suave super spy WITHOUT a mustache… but looks like a complete idiot with one. 

And that is the dilemma.  Some guys can pull it off and some guys ab-so-lutely cannot.  And you know right away who is who.

For judgement purposes we are talking straight moustache, pardon my French.  No beard support from the jaw or chin.  Upper Lippers only.

(Because Robert Downey as Tony Stark looks killer with the stache/beard combo… but Robert Downey as Robert Downey looks skeezy with mustache only.  Same with Keanu Reeves as John Wick.)

So…..

Sam Elliott?  Top ten. 

Samuel L. Jackson?  Very cool guy, but no.  (The thing on his face in Pulp Fiction was a sideburn/soul patch/mustache combo and it was hideous.) 

Eddie Murphy?  Definitely. 

Eddie Van Halen?  Definitely not.

Jay Z went with a barely-there, pencil thin one for a while and it was cool but he could never go full Ron Burgundy.

Ron Burgundy?  YES!

So being hip/cool/famous/handsome has nothing to do with it.  Some guys can make it work and some simply cannot. 

And that brings us back to our Jackrabbit linebackers. 

Fortunately, they stayed with the traditional chevron style and stayed away from the pencil or the horseshoe or the handlebar. 

Unfortunately, two of them have no business in the mustache business.  Can you tell who is who?