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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
South Dakota State (1-2) hosts Western Illinois (3-0) on Saturday at 6 PM.
We welcome you now to the first Trump-Clinton debate on South Dakota State University football.
First question for the candidates: Please assess the season so far for the Jackrabbits.
Donald Trump: Number one, I have always had, and I am sure it is mutual, a great respect for the Jacks. I have a great number of great friends in the Jack community. They love me. Loove me! That having already been said by me, there is also this… winning is better than losing. My whole life is about winning. I don't lose often. I almost never lose. When I lose it’s not because I lose. If Jack is about winning then it needs to look itself in the eye… and I say this all the time… you have to look yourself in the eye and say, “Winner” three times… and that’s what Jack needs to do. I firmly believe I can make Jack great again. He will be tremendous. Tremendous beyond belief.
Hillary Clinton: Thank you for that question. It’s a great question. I have worked all my life to help people with great questions. The Jackrabbits… that’s a colloquial, regional nickname which is the backbone of this great country… the Jackrabbits have not taken advantage of the great opportunities provided them… opportunities I will continue to make available to all hard working Americans. That was a respectable loss at Texas Christian and a fine win in their first home game in their new football playing place. But that loss to the California Polytechnical people left me with questions. There were extremely too many forward advances gained by the ground runners for the other side. I am deeply concerned about the state of the Jackrabbit defenses… and I have always said... the best defense is a good legal team.
On that subject: Please state your position on how the Jackrabbit defense can improve.
Donald Trump: First of all, obviously stop and frisk is the way to go. If you could just stop the people whether they have the ball or not, It would have a big impact. Who knows what they could be carrying? That would be huuge. Secondly of all, I love defense. I have defended myself thousands of times. Lawyers love me. Loove me! To me, the next thing Jack should do is get the Russians involved. Let them take care of it. That, and the cyber. The Jacks probably need to be better at that. I’m not saying it’s China. It could be China. But it might be the cyber. And I tell you what… I say this to people all the time and they tell me I’m right… I have son. He is ten. He has computers. He could help the Jacks. He is brilliant. Brilliant! People say… and they tell me this all the time… your offspring are brilliant and your son is ten. And I was just saying this the other day to my really smart, beautiful family or somebody… the Jacks should defend themselves with some kind of barrier. They need a strong border to stop illegal offenses from coming across. That, and a good pass rush. And I am really good at making passes. And I was a rush chairman once. I can fix it. Defenses love me.
Hillary Clinton: Sadly, I must agree with Mr. Trump about the pass rush. The Jackrabbits have just three sacks this season and they are definitely going to need to tussle up that young quarterback from Western Illinois this week. That team also has a very fine running player and another one who is good at catching the ol’ pigskin which is what I like to call it because I am a humble public servant from Arkansas. That said, however, I do believe the Jackrabbit defense has been unfairly maligned by the American people, just as I have. Just because they left the defensive scouting report on a table in the union where anybody could see it instead of locked away in a drawer in the coaches’ office does that make them criminals? I don’t think so. Could happen to anybody. Just a mistake. Let’s move on, people. That said… the Jackrabbits have a chance to put up a strong defense on Saturday. If they can do that their campaign will be back and on track and their poll numbers should return to previous levels.
Last question: South Dakota State leads the Missouri Valley right now in total touchdowns and points per game. Please assess the Jackrabbit offense.
Donald Trump: First of all, I know about being offensive. Trust me on this. I hear it all the time from the greatest people… they say, “Man, you are soooo offensive.” They looove me! It is really unbelievable how much I know about offense. I know more about offense than anybody. This San Diego State offense… this offense has been a huge success. I read somewhere or heard somewhere, I think, or saw on Twitter about this Jack Wieneke kid. This kid is incredible! He leads the world in touchdown catches. He has “win” right in his name! I love this kid. I love winners!
(*Note: Jake Wieneke leads the FCS with 10 TD catches.)
Hillary Clinton: I love that touchdown kid, too. I know how to love things. And people. I have spent my entire career helping people and countries and corporations gain the access and help they need to survive in this tough global economy. I will continue to fight for all of the little and big people in this great country who pay me the most. I have travelled to 112 countries and negotiated peace deals and cease fires and testified in front of a congressional committee! I have stamina! I love America! What? The Jackrabbit offense? Yeah, they’re pretty good.
MORE NOTES:
SDSU is averaging 42.7 PPG on offense and allowing 41.7 PPG on defense thru 3 games
SDSU quarterback Taryn Christion is completing 69% of his passes… he has 10 TD and 1 INT
SDSU wide receiver Jake Wieneke has 20 catches and 8 TD (as noted, most in FCS)
SDSU is averaging 129 yards per game rushing… last among Missouri Valley Football Conference teams
Western Illinois running back Steve McShane leads the FCS in Rushing Yards Per Game (147.3)